Jonathan Swift

The best doctors in the world  are Dr Diet, Dr Quiet, and Dr Merryman.

Joey Adams

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol is a very necessary article ... It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

Voltaire

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

John Dewey

Education is a process of living and not a preparation for future living. 

Margaret Thatcher

If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.

Warren Beatty

All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color.

Elbert Hubbard (3)

The greatest mistake you can make is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Winston Churchill (1)

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Mark Twain (2)

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Einstein (2)

Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination.

Abraham Lincoln (1)

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years.

Billy Crystal

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Thomas Alva Edison

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

Napoleon (1)

If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.

Mark Twain (1)

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Mae West

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Sophia Loren

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Agatha Christie

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

Elbert Hubbard (2)

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Einstein (1)

As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.

Elbert Hubbard (1)

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Isaac Asimov (1)

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Aristotle (1)

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.